Baby Loss: A Mother’s Story

Life after Loss “Happy birthday” The next 24 hours our families visited and thanks to the amazing charity 4louis we managed to make some precious memories such as having a cast of her hand and footprints. Now the timing of her birth couldn’t have come at a worse time. She passed on 23rd July. My baby shower was planned for 25th but worst of all? My birthday is the 24th July. To this day I feel unable to celebrate it. We were discharged on the 23rd and we went straight to bed. Unfortunately a week prior we had decided to start preparing for her arrival. In our sleep deprived state we forgot to move the Moses basket from my side of the bed. So as I’m sure you have guessed that was what I opened my eyes to the morning of my birthday. That resonates with me every year. It was like being kicked in the stomach. My Dad drove us to the hospital so we could see Poppy. I had saved my cards to open when I was with her. We were lucky that the hospital had a cuddle cot so she still looked li...

Somethings just hurt “What would you like to do?” We went into the ward to where the doctor was standing by Poppy’s bed. “I’m sorry, i’ve done all I could” he looked devestated. Looking back I genuinely feel for the guy but at the time I couldn’t feel anything. I was numb. It took a few minutes to get feelings back. Only this time it was emotional not physical numbness. He explained how her lungs just weren’t able to expand ergo they were incompatible with her body. He asked us if we would like to turn the machines off. The machines that had kept her alive for roughly 12 hours at this point. We were both silent. He explained how if we didn’t turn them off then eventually her heart would give way. How the morphine that kept her pain free would only work for a short while longer. Basically we took it to mean she would be in pain. The doctor confirmed this to us. He said that it was up to us. We could prolong her life if we wanted to. Now i’m not usually a selfish person. But once it...

The best and worst 24 hours of my life “Congratulations it’s a...” The drive from Darlington to James Cook is relatively short but when you’re contracting painfully it feels like a lifetime. I just knew something was wrong. Dan was not allowed in the ambulance with me as I had to have a midwife in just in case. He was following in our car. It took just under 20 minutes. When we arrived I was examined again. The doctors head jerked. “You’re 8cm dilated.” I looked at Dan. How? That was really quick? From nothing to 8 in such a short time? I didnt have much time to wrap my head around it as shortly after I was ready to push. I tried pushing for half an hour but then the baby was distressed and I wasn’t so good myself. They rushed me into theatre for an emergency caesarean. Dan went to change into scrubs and call our parents to tell them what was happening while I had a spinal tap. He came into the surgery and they were ready to start. Now People decribe sections differently. Personal...

Problems I didn’t know existed “Now, we have some options for you” I was right. Somehow at some point in the week between my scans my water had managed to break. Leaving almost no amniotic fluid in my womb for the baby. They referred me to the RVI two days later for a scan on their high tech scanner. The sonographer said that they would have a better indication of whether this had actually happened or not. So since it was Dans Mams birthday the day of the scan, we took her along thinking that it was a mistake and we were going to get a fancy scan. We arrived and went in. They scanned me and we listened to the heart beat. The picture wasn’t great which was strange but we saw bumper on the screen. Then we were taken to a waiting room. Now off the waiting room there were 2 separate rooms. With tissues on the tables. Pretty little blue boxes of tissues. I’m not going to say I knew at that point that  it was bad but I just felt that something was off. We all knew it was bad though ...

The second trimester “Again?!” Bed rest is extremely boring. And limiting. I couldn’t even cook. Now I love Dan, he is an amazing person but his cooking leaves something to be desired. In fact for the first 2 weeks of my bed rest every meal I had was beans on toast. Every. Single. Meal. Pre-pregnancy I loved beans on toast but after fifteen straight days of it, I was ready to never eat another plate ever again. Still to this day I can’t even think about it without feeling nauseous. Anyway, my Auntie Emma (my choice in second birthing partner since in Mum lives in Derby) bought me a Greggs sausage roll and a bottle of Orange Fanta everyday for my dinner. My craving. I was completely off all meat except for Greggs sausage rolls. So on the fifteenth day of beans on toast I snapped. Poor Dan had to deal with a hormonal pregnant woman sobbing over her tea.  “It’s like butterflies mixed with indigestion” Being on bed rest meant that I couldn’t do much more than shower and go to...

The first trimester “Oh god... I think i’m Going to throw up”  My pregnancy was immediately a shock to the system. Me and my boyfriend (now husband) had only been together for around 3 months when we were told by the doctor that I was in fact pregnant and was not suffering from a bug. Stunned, surprised, nauseous. Was I ready for a baby? Was I ready to go all barrels blazing into this new relationship. We hadn’t long said I love you to each other and now I was carrying his baby! Those were my very first thoughts. Then after all of 3 seconds every one of those doubts were gone. I was going to be an amazing mother. This baby although unplanned, was already loved so very much. I could feel it in my heart how much I loved my baby. Dan was secretly over the moon. So we went home and told our families. I’m pretty sure they were more shocked than us. At this point I must interject to say that I was having all of the normal pregnancy symptoms. I was sick... a lot. I couldn’t eat anyt...

Baby Loss: A Mother’s Story Baby Loss isn’t something most people want to hear about. It’s a taboo subject that you don’t even consider until it happens to you or to someone you know. Unfortunately for me this meant that even though I knew people who had lost their babies in one way or another, I was purposely oblivious to the fact that it happens. I decided to write this blog to not only raise awareness for others who may just beginning this journey but also because sometimes I just need to say it and even in this day and age, you just can’t.