Life after Loss

“Happy birthday”

The next 24 hours our families visited and thanks to the amazing charity 4louis we managed to make some precious memories such as having a cast of her hand and footprints. Now the timing of her birth couldn’t have come at a worse time. She passed on 23rd July. My baby shower was planned for 25th but worst of all? My birthday is the 24th July. To this day I feel unable to celebrate it. We were discharged on the 23rd and we went straight to bed. Unfortunately a week prior we had decided to start preparing for her arrival. In our sleep deprived state we forgot to move the Moses basket from my side of the bed. So as I’m sure you have guessed that was what I opened my eyes to the morning of my birthday. That resonates with me every year. It was like being kicked in the stomach. My Dad drove us to the hospital so we could see Poppy. I had saved my cards to open when I was with her. We were lucky that the hospital had a cuddle cot so she still looked like her.

“Oh My God”

When we came home my mum had gotten some of my family round so that I could have some form of birthday, I don’t want to do anything but sleep and cry but Miss manners kicked in and I spent time with my loved ones. Now at this point I hadn’t seen my friends Lauren and Sarah in too long. We texted everyday but I missed them. My Mum has gotten them to come to mine (they did not live local) and when they walked through the door my emotions just went crazy and I burst into tears and ran off. I apologised after as it was a nice surprise it was just, well, a surprise!

“I want her buried not cremated”

Now organising a funeral is never easy, nor is it ever nice. Organising Poppy’s Funeral was like sticking a million sharp needs into my heart over and over. Did we want her buried or cremated? What casket did we want? Cars? Church or graveside service? Any special touches? Who wants to decide these things about their daughter? We decided on a small graveside service with a white casket and only me and Dan to travel in the car. Dan wanted to carry her to her final resting place. I originally planned to read a poem at the service but at the last minute I changed my mind. I always regret that now but I just couldn’t do it. Before the funeral we and some family members let off balloons in our back garden. Everyone had a red or pink ballon and me and Dan had a white one. My sister sang in the arms of the angels and we had west life iMll see you again at the grave. It was emotionally and physically tough day not least as I was still recovering from my section. But we did our girl proud and I like to think she enjoyed all the personal touches and the clothes we bought especially for her wear. A pink dress, white bodysuit, white tights, the cutest bunny shoes and a bib that said “Daddy’s little flower” we got them from Mothercare tiny baby section a few days before. Dan had been staring at the bib so I knew we had to get it.