The best and worst 24 hours of my life

“Congratulations it’s a...”

The drive from Darlington to James Cook is relatively short but when you’re contracting painfully it feels like a lifetime. I just knew something was wrong. Dan was not allowed in the ambulance with me as I had to have a midwife in just in case. He was following in our car. It took just under 20 minutes. When we arrived I was examined again. The doctors head jerked. “You’re 8cm dilated.” I looked at Dan. How? That was really quick? From nothing to 8 in such a short time? I didnt have much time to wrap my head around it as shortly after I was ready to push. I tried pushing for half an hour but then the baby was distressed and I wasn’t so good myself. They rushed me into theatre for an emergency caesarean. Dan went to change into scrubs and call our parents to tell them what was happening while I had a spinal tap. He came into the surgery and they were ready to start. Now People decribe sections differently. Personally I think it feels like someone doing the washing after dinner in my stomach. It wasn’t painful just extremely peculiar. Shortly afterwards at 12 minutes past 7 there was a sound. Now it was an amazing sound but at the same time I couldn’t help thinking that it sounded like a terra dactyl. It was our baby’s first cry. Me and Dan just started crying. We were told so many times that we wouldn’t hear this amazing sound! The doctor popped her head over and told us we were now proud parents of a baby girl.

“I’d call your parents quickly”

As we were so early I knew that Poppy would have to spend some time on the NICU so at first I wasn’t concerned that she was there while we weren’t. Dan had gotten to see her before she was taken and she had cried! Surely that meant that her lungs worked right? We were taken into another room once Dan had changed out of scrubs and I was put back together (sorry couldn’t think of a nicer way to put it) the room next to us was another set of new parents. I kept picturing my reunion with my sweet baby. Instead of our baby we had an NICU doctor come in to speak to us. He didn’t bring good news. Despite initial signs, her lungs hadn’t developed when I was pregnant. They were trying to do everything but if we wanted out families to meet her, we should get them there immediately. At that point I had been strong for 12 weeks. 12 weeks and I hadn’t cried a tear since we were told what was happening. The dam broke. Poor Dan had to ring both sets of parents and tell them to get to the Hospital like 10 minutes ago. We were then taken to see our beautiful 2lb 10 baby girl. She was lying in an incubator and they placed my hospital bed beside her. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. She is still to this day the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I wanted to hold her but I couldn’t. No-one could. It felt like pergatory. I couldn’t move because the spinal hadn’t worn off yet and I wanted to pace around. Lying there doing nothing was unnatural to me. I don’t even remember our parents arriving. I just couldn’t stop staring at my little miracle. 

“We have a few different things we’re going to try”

After a few hours we were taken away while they performed another surgery on her. They were inserting something into her lungs to try and get them to expand as they should. Before we were taken away they asked if we would like her to be christened ‘just in case’. We said yes. It was an experience with our baby, one I wanted regardless. It was quite beautiful actually even though she had all these machines and couldn’t be touched yet. We got a certificate and we’re taken away. Not too long after we’re allowed back. It was a waiting game. It hadn’t worked so they told us a few more options they could try. Her stats were brilliant one minute then horrific the next. On the bright side we could now touch her. Dan went first. He changed her clothes and nappy. She was still in the incubator but we could put our hands in. I went next. I held her hand, her feet. Stroked her hair and cheek. She was so soft. Eventually the doctor came back and explained we would need to leave again for them to perform another surgery. Unfortunately for us we were escorted back to the birthing unit, surrounded by women in labour and crying babies. My brother and sister had arrived now so we were all chatting. A midwife came in and cleared them all out to wash me over and put me in a wheelchair, now that I had the feeling back in my legs. Then she said those words. “The doctor would like to see you now, just you and Dan. If you want you can take your parents but everyone else needs to stay here.” I just knew at that point that it was not good and my baby wasn’t going to make it. We chose to go by ourselves.